I just read a blog post I wrote in December of 2008. It was about Happiness. I was actually surprised that I had written this. Why? Because lately I have been really trying to figure out what is wrong with being happy?
Now I know that sounds like a strange question. And it is. But when I look at where I am mentally since I have gained back 90 of the 117 lbs I originally lost this latest time it makes sense. See, I get to a point where I might actually make it to a healthy weight and then for some reason I stop. I quickly revert to my old patterns and gain the weight back. Each time this happens I become more discouraged and angry. As I watch the patterns continue I try to analyze why I do what I do.
The only conclusion I can come to is that I like being the victim. I like having people feel sorry for me. This has been how people have “paid attention to me” my entire life. Losing the weight and getting healthy will be wonderful while it is happening. People will be praising me and excited for me and giving me “atta boys” but then what happens when I am at my healthy weight for awhile? It will not be a big deal to anyone then. Then what? All the kids I have gone to events for are growing up. I have no immediate family of my own so there won’t be those who “have to” pay attention to me. Where will I be then? Who will I be then? I still don’t have a “why”.
I know all the things I am supposed to say and think as a Christian. I can tell you all the child of God and no matter how lonely I am, He is with me. I should be content in having Jesus with me. I even believe all of that. But to live it is another thing altogether.
I don’t know the answer. I know what others would say, spend time in God’s word, pray, surround yourself with other believers. I have the attention span of a gnat. I can read a christian suspence novel or play computer games for a long time but sit down and read God’s word is hard for me. My focus goes all over the place. To pray for any length of time I start remembering something I wanted to do or a place I wanted to see, etc.
Anyway, If you are a praying person I would ask that you might continue to pray for my “why”. Pray for my focus and desire to be in God’s word. Pray for my heart to be turned toward Him and not all the things here on earth.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for this blog. I know that very few, if anyone actually reads it but I feel like I can be honest here and put my heart on paper. You know me, you know my thoughts, desires, dreams and all that go with them. Help me to learn to be happy in you at whatever stage I am in. But help me to not want to stay here. Lord, I am sure you have so many wonderful things planned for me if I’d only surrender to you and let you lead. Please open my eyes so that I may see the wonders you offer.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen
Weight Goes Bye 