So, now it is October 27, 2023. I currently weigh 375.2 pounds. Obviously I am going in the wrong direction. Horribly wrong direction. I still haven’t figured out my “why”, I am eating even worse than before. I started Weight Watchers but barely log any of my food because it shows me how many points I am using. I haven’t been to the gym in several months because I adopted a cat (I love Charlie. He is adorable) and found out that I am actually allergic to them. That is why I was always sick when I had my other cats.
I will tell you one thing that did happen and that was being able to go to all of Micah’s home football games, walk to the bleachers and watch the games. My hips and back did bother me while sitting in the bleachers but I did not have any issues while walking!!! That was one goal this year and I was able to accomplish it.
Now, I just need to do something to stop this downward spiral I am on. Prayers would be so helpful.
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I started this post back in June with a 15 lb gain since my lowest. It is now 8/24/23 and I have gained 30 lbs back. I am at 354.6 as of 8/22/23. I have not been doing my Optavia. I realized that since I had to give up the shakes back in November I had only lost 10 lbs and then plateaued from January until I had knee replacement surgery on 4/27/23.
After that surgery I basically gave myself carte blanc to eat whatever I wanted. I was eating to heal a major surgical wound after all. Now what is my excuse? I know while losing weight I was confident, happy and feeling good. Now I am back to being miserable. Wasting so much money on eating out and playing computer games. (From July 11-August 10 I spent $1,600+ on food and games and that didn’t include any grocery store trips). I complain because I don’t have money, I complain because I am gaining the weight back, I complain because I feel like a loser.
I saw a video or a post I had made a few years ago when I gained all my weight back. I was saying the EXACT SAME THING!!! I am so tired of being a broken record!!!! BUT when am I going to be tired enough to do something about it? To quit complaining, to stop saying the same thing over and over again. I am so sick of sounding like a broken record and yet I continue to do it. I am sure everyone else in my circle is tired of the same thing as well. No wonder it feels like no one in my circle believes I can be successful with losing and keeping the weight off. They have seen my track record. They see me start something and then stop 1/2 way through. If I’m sick of it they have to be.
But again, as the title of this post says, What is it gonna take? What will have to happen for me to grow up and get my act together? People can tell me all they want to not be so hard on myself but they haven’t had to live in this head of mine where I continually do the same thing over and over and over and, well you get the point. I know I am supposed to speak nice to myself. It doesn’t help. I know how I am and I know that I grew up telling people what they wanted to hear. But when it comes to me I tell myself that I’m never going to change. Why try since you will give up half-way through anyway. You’ll just make the same excuses so try it but you will be proven to be true to your doubtful, negative self.
The more I focus on trying to eat healthy the more I go in the opposite direction. Everyone tells me to find my “why”. I don’t have one. Everyone tells me to take it one day at a time. That doesn’t work. Everyone tells me it will be so worth it and I deserve to be healthy. Why do I deserve it? Everyone tells me to set a goal and go for it. That makes me do the opposite.
Right now God is the only one who is going to change me and for Him to do that I have to be willing to give control over to Him. He has shown over and over again what I need to do and how to do it and I keep throwing it back to Him and wanting to do it on my own. I don’t want to give up “control”. I don’t want to give up my excuses and my victimhood attitude. I don’t want to let Him be in control because I don’t want to let go of my comfort zone. I don’t want to see what He will ask me to do if I get to a healthy weight. What will I have to complain about? What will I have that will allow people to feel sorry for me? What will I have that will keep me stuck in this horrible place I have been living in my entire life?
When I step out of my head I realize that I am truly blessed. I have a great job that pays way more than it should. I have a nice car, a nice apartment (that I don’t treat very well). An amazing church community and “adoptive” community. I have so many things and yet I keep telling myself that if people just knew the real me, they would hate me as well.
Dear Heavnly Father,
Here I am again, asking for your guidance and help in getting healthy, both physically and emotionally. You know my heart so you know that I continually hold back because I don’t want to give up the things I like. Even knowing that they are harming me. Please continue to convict me and don’t let me harden my heart against what you want for me.
In Jesus’ names, Amen.
Weight Goes Bye 