When I look at old home movies and pictures of when I was 2 or 3 years old I am astounded as to how much bigger my legs were then my cousins of the same age. From that early age I just knew I was fat. Even though I didn’t know the concept until I got to school and kids started making fun of me I still knew I was just different enough from those around me.
As I continued to get older my weight kept going up and my self-confidence kept going down. The 3 cousins I grew up with were, and still are, beautiful. One of them could have been a model. Literally. So I constantly felt like I was being compared to them and it was not a good comparison. They didn’t make me think that!! It was just what I perceived.
See, as a young person I went through a lot. My mom divorced when I was very young and never remarried. My dad made promises to us and then disappeared. There were other things but I don’t want to go into them here, right now. But I always remember being that kid that today would drive me nuts. đ Constantly trying to get the attention. Always wanting to have my way and when I didn’t get it throwing a fit or crying. These were all my insecurities trying to find a way to make me feel better about myself. But I also remember feeling like I was HUGE. Unfortunately I take after my dad’s side of the family. (My dad and I have reconciled and I am so very grateful for that but why did I have to inherit his genes. ) My dad’s side is SOLID. I don’t mean top of the line, wonderful, etc. I mean they are built solid. I currently weigh 358.4 lbs and if you look at me you would never know. I don’t look that heavy. So many would not have guessed I weighed 462 at my heaviest.
As a tween and teen this plays havoc on the mental health and self-confidence of a person. Here is a picture of me when I was 14 or so. I just remember feeling huge and needing to lose so much weight to be “cute” and “popular”. Health wasn’t on my mind back then. Being liked was. If only I could lose some weight. But when I look at this picture I realize that, yes, my weight may have been a lot heavier than was healthy but I didn’t look nearly as big as I felt. I let the scale dictate how “huge” I was. I even got into an argument with another girl one time because she looked so much bigger than I did (she was all stomach) but said she weighed like 20-30 lbs less than me. I didn’t understand that just because someone looks a certain way that doesn’t mean that they are.
I carried myself as the “fat” person. I acted like the “less than” person so others treated me that way. I didn’t feel worthy of them. Didn’t feel good enough and so I let myself be treated as someone who was unworthy, unloved, ugly. Now I know that was irrational. No less real to me at the time, but irrational none-the-less.
I pray that somehow God can use this experience from my teen irrational thinking to help other’s who may be experiencing similar thoughts. It is hard enough to be a young person these days. To add a weight issue into the mix just makes it so much harder. You don’t have to be the “perfect” size or wear the “perfect” clothes. Those years play a major part in who you become and being overweight is not glamorous or healthy but comparing to others and trying to please everyone will only slow down or even stop the amazing things that God has in store for them.
Dear Heavenly Father, It has taken me over 50 years to start to realize that what I perceived as the truth was just the enemy trying to keep me from living the life that You had created me for. Please use me to reach those much younger than I so that they may not waste those opportunities believing the lies that they themselves and others are telling them. Lord, if I can help one young person realize that they are amazing and that his or her view of self is not of you than I know that what I have experienced all these years was for a purpose. You tell us that there is a purpose for everything under the sun. I thank you for what I have been through. For the clarity that you are showing and for the love that you give no matter if I weigh 461 lbs or 145 lbs. I love you Lord and I thank You for giving Your Son to die for my sins. In Jesus’ Name-Amen.
Weight Goes Bye 