This post is going to be a pity party post. I am so disgusted with myself. I have done well for breakfast and lunches every day this week but every evening I have blown it for dinner. Tonight was a very low point on my dinner selections. I ate a hamburger with a bacon bourbon sauce and french fries. Knowing I had eaten that I decided to just go ahead and finish the evening by eating a Triple Chocolate Brownie bake from Dairy Queen.
WHY???? Why do I constantly derail myself? What is so wrong with me that I can’t possibly stick to a healthy eating plan? I can barely walk. My right leg is in horrible shape. It is hard to get up and down from the couch and my bed. I come home from work or wherever I am and immediately sit down and start playing computer games. I think about exercising but I don’t even make the effort. Every time I try to do stretches or anything concerning my right leg or my right bicep and rotator cuff I end up in severe pain.
I so want to get healthy because I know that I would be able to do so much more but I just get so overwhelmed and lazy. I have mentioned the bible story about Jesus and the man at the well several times. I still don’t know the answer to “do you want to be well?” You would think that if the answer was yes I would have done something about it years ago. I can only believe that I like being fat. That I like the identity that it gives me. I am the fat lady. I am the person who has never had a date. I am the person who can’t even take a shower often because it hurts so bad to stand so I stink. I am the person who can’t fit in the chairs at her “nieces” and “nephews” events or walk into the facilities so I don’t go. I am the one who says I trust in Jesus but continually throw His help right back in His face. I am the one who doesn’t have any legacy to leave so why even try? I don’t WANT to die but I also don’t want to Live. I don’t mean just existing but really living the life that God planned for me.
Right now I just exist. I just get up in the morning, go to work, come home and occasionally do something with a small group of people but for the most part I just sit alone. I look around my apartment and I am disgusted with how messy and cluttery it is. I am currently sitting beside one bag of trash and one bag of old mail plus a box of mail that needs to be gone through. The kitchen counter has stuff piled on it. Most are clean but there is some dirty dishes mixed in. I have clothes sitting on the washer and dryer and in the bathroom sink because I am too lazy to put them in the hamper in my office closet. I have a 1/2 empty 12 pack of Diet Coke sitting in a chair because the leftover’s in my fridge stink and I don’t want that to make my can’s smell bad. I have Christmas presents sitting near the front door. I have several items I wanted to try to sell when I moved in here almost 2 years ago still sitting in front of my coat closet. I have a keepsake box for one of my friends grandson’s that I bought to make him almost 2 years ago still sitting here.
I know I am rambling but since no one reads this blog anyway I am just trying to get my feelings out. I know that God is “reading” this and I know He is the most important person to pour out my heart to so…
Dear Heavenly Father,
I am so lost. I am hurting so bad. I just don’t understand why I continue to fight you on everything. You have given me so much and I constantly throw it back in your face. God, I know you didn’t make me as junk. I know I am special in your eyes. Not better than anyone else because we are all important to you. More so than we could ever be to anyone else. But I continue to fight you. I continue to feel sorry for myself. To focus on the things that I would have to give up – The attention, even negative, that I get from being obese. The people feeling sorry for me. The food I would have to give up. See, even sitting here I want to ask you to truly take control of my life but then I am so afraid of what You will ask me to do. In my eyes I am a failure. I start things but never finish them. I get great ideas but never follow through. I know this isn’t from you. It is the sinful nature us humans all have.
Lord, I don’t want to keep living like this. I just don’t want to give up “control”. Please don’t give up on me.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Weight Goes Bye 